I have very vivid dreams even when not pregnant, so you can imagine that while pregnant, all different fears and images get to come into my mind and interrupt my sleep. This past week has been filled with bad dreams, although some parts have been good.
I dreamed that I had this baby, but I never went through the birthing process. I was sitting in a large birth tub filled with water and either my midwife or my mother, I couldn’t tell who it was, was holding the baby. I was so mad that I hadn’t yet held the baby. Everyone was carrying on about how wonderful the baby was, but I just wanted to hold it.
Now this doesn’t sound like a bad dream, but I envision with this birth, reaching down and lifting the baby to my chest, so the fact that I haven’t even gotten to hold the baby was not a good thing.
I dreamed that both my mother and I were pregnant and the same time, and no, I didn’t just get done watching Father of the Bride II. My mother ended up birthing this baby about three months early. I got a phone call in a store and someone was telling me that the baby had been born and he was 1 lb. 9 oz, but 19 or so inches long. Some lady overheard me yelling 1 lb. 9oz and went on to tell me that she had a baby that was 4 lbs. I pretty much told her to shut it, because 4 lbs. is a whole lot different from 1 lb. 9 oz. He was going to be in the NICU for a while and I wouldn’t get to visit. Finally, I was able to see the baby after a couple of months. We were downtown Chattanooga, near the old Bijou movie theater, just having parked the car. I get out of our car and my mom brings over my little brother to me. He looks like a three month old, not a baby that should have just been born. He had dark spikey black hair. I was holding him and he looked up at me and I could tell he had Down’s Syndrome. This didn’t bother me at all, he was a beautiful child, smiling and was so wonderful. My mother told me his name was Nathan.
Last night, this was the dream that bothered me the most and I woke up crying. My friend who is pregnant also, was the main person in the dream. I’ll call her Sally, because in case she ever reads this blog post, I don’t want her to know it was about her. I dreamed that Sally started to go into pre-term labor at about 28 weeks. She went to the hospital and everyone, her family and friends were all there and someone said. Well, of course, we need to do an emergency c-section. I yelled out NO. It was too early. Fortunately the male doctor there said, no, that isn’t what we should do right now. Right now, we need to wait. I was happy that her doctor seemed so relaxed and didn’t desire to just take the baby. So they kept her in the hospital for about a week. Then I find out that at around 30 weeks, they decided to do the c-section on her. I was so upset that I didn’t know they were doing it. I was upset for my friend because she wanted a natural birth.
I blamed the fact that she didn’t get the birth that she wanted because she was friends with me. Every woman that I’ve known personally lately has not had a natural birth. Each one has had some type of intervention, whether it was induction or an eventual c-section. I thought that maybe if they weren’t friends with me, maybe they would have had the birth that they wanted. I had the exact birth that I visualized and maybe because I had that birth, that none of my other friends could have their birth experience because I was the one that got the dream birth. I know logically that this isn’t true. But when so many of your friends and acquaintances go on to deliver via c-section when they wanted to go drug free, you start to question everything around you. Am I a positive or negative effect on people? Do they not really believe that they can have these beautiful easy births?