I think I’m going through a mini mid-life crisis right now, which sucks since I’m almost thirty-one….does that mean I’ll only make it to sixty-two? Just kidding, but I have been struggling internally. I feel torn. I feel uninspired by my day to day job. It’s not the job’s fault, it’s me. I realize that I control my happiness, but I feel like my soul is pulling me home. I want to see my children more, but I also would love to spend hour upon hour creating things. I have a running list in my head of things I would like to make: finish a baby quilt for my niece, sew a unique camera bag, make a race car play track for Nicholas and Liam, finish knitting Damon’s sweater, knit a vest for myself, make homemade soap, learn how to weave on a loom, start making wheel thrown pottery again like I did in high school, write out patterns so that others can create, maybe even make a book of crafts, learn how to spin yarn, learn dying techniques for yarn and fabric, learn more canning recipes and so much more. I discovered a school that would allow me to sample some of the things I haven’t tried yet.
On top of that, I have a strong desire to home school our children myself. I want Damon to go back to work and I want to teach. I love teaching. I’m not sure at the moment if I would love teaching my children, but I want to try. I have to remember not to glamorize home schooling. I know it will be hard work, with some amazing rewarding times and then other times I will want to pull out my hair.
Another part of me has an intense craving for travel. I want to travel the globe seeing new sights. The hard part of that is less about financing and more about the thoughts of what happens to a person after they do all of this traveling. I wonder about the anti-climax of traveling for an extended period of time. I think this desire to travel stems from the fact that I just need a change in my life.
We’ve had thoughts about Damon working for my dad. However, this would probably require Damon to travel frequently. We’ve lived apart while married for work reasons, but that was without kids, and it was very hard then. Each day that goes by, the phone conversations become shorter and shorter. Tensions go up because it is hard to effectively communicate about all things in a 10 minute phone conversation. We could travel with him if the work dictated it, but then do we sell our house and live out of a motor home? Do we move closer to Nashville so that he could work at the home office? Oh, if only I had a trust fund that was very large.
My mind is churning with all of this right now. On top of that, then there is the topic of explaining to people why I would ever want to give up the stable security of a government job, the benefits, and the pay! I’ve gotten to the point that I could care less about the pay. Ah to be debt free so that we didn’t have as many worries about working just to pay the bills. We are on our way towards that, but it will take time. I know I should not feel the need to justify my lifestyle to others, but I do nonetheless.
So many thoughts in my brain and so much tension in my body. I’ve been taking lots of deep slow breaths lately to try and stay centered. I need to make a change, now to develop a plan and to find the courage to go forward with it. I feel like I’m done with engineering. I need a new direction. I’ve tried engineering, it was fun for awhile, but the passion for it is non-existent. I must find a new path, a new calling, a new something so that I can be fulfilled. I refuse to keep doing the same thing. If I don’t make a change, I will end up at sixty with a bunch of money in a retirement account, but a soul filled with regret.