I really need to look back at previous blog posts and see if there is a cycle to my being down in the dumps. I had a great time this past weekend and now that I’m back into the normal routine again, I feel like everything is falling down around me.
I want to be somewhere else.
I feel like I’m always trying to coordinate things with other people, but their lives are too busy. My e-mails or messages just hang out in cyber space, unanswered. I guess if I would jump on the texting bandwagon, I might get some responses, but then again, maybe not.
Mine and Liam’s birthday is coming up and I’m already starting to dread the day. A couple of weeks ago, I started to build the party up in my head. I’m wanting to make this a fun birthday party, but then people have other plans, or our birthday is on an inconvenient weekend and I just start to think, why the heck am I stressing myself out over this? Maybe I should just turn the lights off, give Liam a flashlight and a cake and let him pretend to be a ghost by himself. He might enjoy himself. I can just hide in my bedroom, hoping and praying that things might change.
Wanting things to change is my problem. I read blogs that talk about living in the moment and being grateful for what I have right now. I then start to feel like total crap for not being thankful for what I’m given every day.
I mean, I have a well paying job, a home, can go on vacations, and put food on the table. I know quite a few people that dream about those things.
I haven’t really written lately about the work/life situation because I didn’t really want to write until things have changed so that I didn’t come off sounding like a whiner that never takes action. Small things have been happening. I just don’t really want to publicize it yet, not until anything definite happens.
On the outside, I think I do a good job of making things look like they are so easy, that I’m confident, capable and in control, however inside….I feel like I’m screaming constantly, I’m doing a three-year-old tantrum, stomping and jumping up and down, just wanting the anger and frustration to ooze out.
I keep replaying a conversation in my head from my girls’ trip last week. We were talking about my desire to be at home with my kids. The topic of how much I actually earn came up. I was honest with them. I interpreted the look in their eyes as, you’re screwed. You DO make too much money to quit. That is probably not really what they were thinking, but that is what popped into my mind.
I know that I’m proud to say that I’m an engineer. I need to get rid of that pride. My job is not who I am. I have to remember that. How I interact with my family, my friends, myself, that is who I am. Now, stop feeling like I should just go hide out in a hole somewhere until the life I think I want arrives.