Until the life I think I want arrives

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I really need to look back at previous blog posts and see if there is a cycle to my being down in the dumps. I had a great time this past weekend and now that I’m back into the normal routine again, I feel like everything is falling down around me.

I want to be somewhere else.

I feel like I’m always trying to coordinate things with other people, but their lives are too busy. My e-mails or messages just hang out in cyber space, unanswered. I guess if I would jump on the texting bandwagon, I might get some responses, but then again, maybe not.

Mine and Liam’s birthday is coming up and I’m already starting to dread the day. A couple of weeks ago, I started to build the party up in my head. I’m wanting to make this a fun birthday party, but then people have other plans, or our birthday is on an inconvenient weekend and I just start to think, why the heck am I stressing myself out over this? Maybe I should just turn the lights off, give Liam a flashlight and a cake and let him pretend to be a ghost by himself. He might enjoy himself. I can just hide in my bedroom, hoping and praying that things might change.

Wanting things to change is my problem. I read blogs that talk about living in the moment and being grateful for what I have right now. I then start to feel like total crap for not being thankful for what I’m given every day.

I mean, I have a well paying job, a home, can go on vacations, and put food on the table. I know quite a few people that dream about those things.

I haven’t really written lately about the work/life situation because I didn’t really want to write until things have changed so that I didn’t come off sounding like a whiner that never takes action. Small things have been happening. I just don’t really want to publicize it yet, not until anything definite happens.

On the outside, I think I do a good job of making things look like they are so easy, that I’m confident, capable and in control, however inside….I feel like I’m screaming constantly, I’m doing a three-year-old tantrum, stomping and jumping up and down, just wanting the anger and frustration to ooze out.

I keep replaying a conversation in my head from my girls’ trip last week. We were talking about my desire to be at home with my kids. The topic of how much I actually earn came up. I was honest with them. I interpreted the look in their eyes as, you’re screwed. You DO make too much money to quit. That is probably not really what they were thinking, but that is what popped into my mind.

I know that I’m proud to say that I’m an engineer. I need to get rid of that pride. My job is not who I am. I have to remember that. How I interact with my family, my friends, myself, that is who I am. Now, stop feeling like I should just go hide out in a hole somewhere until the life I think I want arrives.


2 thoughts on “Until the life I think I want arrives

    thevfamily said:
    October 14, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Ha! I will admit, there was a reaction but not the one that you initially think. Not that you make too much to quit, but I think it would be hard to replace that income to its full right off at the start for Damon (it takes a few years doing something, along with a bonus/longevity pay ). What totally impressed me was that you were absolutely certain that your life and family could manage on less. You didn’t care. Your heart’s desire was stronger than the appeal of money, and that, my friend, is unique in this world. Keep your love for people higher than your love for money and it will all work out in the end.

    Megan said:
    October 16, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    Definitely didn’t think that! I admire that you are willing to give it up for your children. You know my heart on that! There are times that I wish my husband could say “I have a wife and children to see so I need to leave for the day,” or something to that matter. It’s hard to give up your job, especially if you enjoy it. (Hence why I still work a little.) I’m proud of you for knowing what you want and not being afraid to do it. Money isn’t everything and we always have to remind ourselves that our kids want our time, not presents or gifts. Just our time….well, and hugs and kisses and food…..

    Oh, and I’ll be at the party. It’s already on our calendar. I forgot to pass the word to Damon. Is it dress up or anything?

    I’m excited to watch how all of this unfolds for you. I love watching people have their dreams come true.

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