My thoughts have been all over the place lately. Writing them down and sharing them with the world is my current form of therapy.
I am wanting to see a therapist. I feel my brain cannot often handle all the stresses that are bouncing around in it and I then take my frustrations out on my kids and my husband. Bike riding therapy helps, but sometimes I just want to talk to someone and not have to de-stress by sweating. My husband doesn’t quite understand why I would need to talk to a therapist since I have so much to be thankful for in life, which, yes, I agree which makes me feel even worse. I have to think that some of it is just the recent life changes and some of it is postpartum hormones.
I just started teaching Hypnobabies with Nine Months and Beyond in Nashville. I realized when writing my bio that in the birth world, I’m wildly lacking in letters behind my name. I’m not in a place in my life where I want to be a doula. I don’t want the responsibility of being a lactation counselor. Becoming a placenta encapsulator is an option, minus the fact that I live in a very small house and the smell of drying placenta just nauseates me. (I know I could do it at other people’s homes but then I have to find someone to watch my kids.) I feel like I’m being led to learn something more to help myself and future students but I’m not entirely sure what.
Part of me really wants to dive into learning about wildcrafting and herbs. On our hikes in the North Carolina mountains this weekend, I realized I know nothing of the plants around me. I want to learn how they can help heal people and nourish our bodies. Another part of me has been really interested in body alignment and how it affects our health. The issues I have from the minor bladder prolapse after my third child’s birth made me realize that my years of sitting at a desk have hindered my entire body. I want to get stronger and not get out of a chair with aching tight hips. I see my parents in their mid-fifties suffering through multiple ailments, some of them similar to what I experience now. I feel bad for them and seeing them makes me want something different for my own body.
On another rumbled tangent. I’m bummed that I didn’t sign up for a triathlon this season, but I haven’t really wanted to run and haven’t gotten or taken the opportunity to swim. I have my boys with me most of the time and it makes swimming on my own impossible. I have thought about signing up for some longer bike rides because that is the only thing I’m doing consistently, but I keep experiencing numbness in my left toes on bike rides longer than 10 miles. So now, I get to try and figure out why this keeps happening.
I think that is the majority of what is in my head right now. Of course there are insecurities that I will screw my kids up and much more, but that is for another post. I really just need to make this picture my mantra. Maybe it will allow me to get through the rough spots in my head.