To post or to keep in my head

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It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything for this blog. It originally was created to record things about my life and my then one year old. The one year old turned ten last week. Lately, I’ve been trying to decide how much to share with the world. Online, I’ve pulled back significantly on my presence. Some due to stress, some because I’m not sure I want everyone knowing all about me before I share it face to face.

This past year has been a pretty good year, although sometimes trying. My husband’s work up until the last week or so, had him traveling 50-60% of the time. Home renovations have only really progressed due to outsourcing the work. Fun projects have included crawl space encapsulation, new gutters and siding and the driveway will be poured once it stops raining and the ground dries a bit more.

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With my kids, my oldest turned 10 and he is turning into a funny young man. His ability to understand sarcasm is well seated, which means that we can have some good laughter. He devours audiobooks. He can read, but prefers to hear the books read aloud to him, so that means this year he has probably listened to 30 or more full length books via Playaways (Nashville Library membership was so worth it), Audible, Overdrive, cd audiobooks and me reading aloud to him.

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He was taking drum lessons until this past month. He had decided that he would rather take pottery lessons at the local studio than taking lessons. He played drums and a few weeks of piano for over a year. For our birthday last week I took him camping at Mammoth Cave. We had a blast and our introverted selves very much enjoyed the camping in the cold and zip lining

IMG_8658My second oldest is blossoming into an enthusiastic fiddle/violin player. The music is really clicking in his head and it is fun to learn along side him. I can now add fiddle to my list of instruments that I can play a bit. He is a rule follower and likes to police others. His sense of justice is strong and is always trying his best to make things fair between him and his siblings. This is adorable and sometimes frustrating. He is my social butterfly and would have sleepovers at his friend’s house every weekend if we let him. He is also very tender-hearted and the travel from my husband’s work started to get to him in recent months.

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My third oldest is a bit of a spitfire. I’m still learning his passions. He loves board games and would play Go Fish, Mastermind and other games endlessly if I said yes. When he gets angry, he likes to overturn furniture, storm off to his room and rage alone. However, he also now prefers to come snuggle in our king size bed next to baby sister. He has the sweetest smile and giggle and I’m very curious to see how he transforms from his kindergarten self to older little boy.

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Our youngest is the only girl and she cracks us up on a daily basis. She is a lover of dinosaurs like kid number three, is very insistent on getting to watch whatever show she is interested in at the moment (currently Sophia the First and Dino Dana.) She loves all things pink right now and has already been asking for pink Christmas presents. It makes me laugh to think that I have a kid that absolutely adores pink. When we first had a girl, I swore that she wouldn’t be dressed in pink. Now…she wears lots of pink, but also other colors in the rainbow.

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We added a puppy to our family a few months ago. Her name is Uma Phoenix and she is a goldendoodle. She has been a good addition to our family, but I do hope our home renovations include a fence soon. Although, getting to go outside more frequently to let her go to the bathroom has actually been a plus. I just would like her to be able to play without the leash more. The kids love her and I’ve been surprised by how much my older two have helped by taking her out to pee, cleaning up any accidents and trying to prevent her from nipping the younger two. Uma went for her four-month check up yesterday and weighed in at 18.9 lbs.

You may have noticed that I’ve spoken very little about myself  so far. Right now, I’m in a new phase of life. We are done having more children. I’m no longer going to be teaching Hypnobabies (I will have the option in the future to go back, but right now, I think that passion is going away). My identity is struggling just a bit to be “just a homeschooling mom.” There isn’t anything wrong with having only that, but for a long time I’ve felt like I always had something else to say I am.

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I keep listening to podcasts and one that I’ve been loving is “How I Built This With Guy Raz,” on NPR. I know that one day I will probably start my own business, but I don’t know what. I probably should set some goals, but I also want to be passionate about whatever I’m doing, and right now my passions are somewhat stagnant. I’m a mom. I sometimes sew. I sometimes weight lift. I rarely bike ride lately. I get to go for walks by myself every few weeks. I knit at church. I do small house projects occasionally. I play instruments but can rarely play in a group setting due to childcare issues (I could pursue babysitters, I just hate having to pay someone to watch my kids for a hobby.)

If I’m honest with myself, whatever I do, I will probably just need to budget childcare into the equation so that I can do what I need to do uninterrupted. I know I can’t use my kids as an excuse to not do something. Perhaps some of the loss of identity is that I’m trying to keep up with everyone else that has a side gig. I have no side gigs at the moment. I’m not part of an MLM, I don’t sell things on social networks, I don’t make things for purchase, I don’t work for someone else and I get paid nothing but hugs and kisses. Hugs and kisses are great, but helping to financially contribute to the family is great too.

Since I’m pretty much just rambling at this point, I will keep going. Friendships have been harder this year. I know that I’m a contributing factor as to why things can be harder. I’m can be bold, often worry about things that don’t pertain to me and at times I give my opinion when perhaps it isn’t necessary or desired. I’ve pulled back from a lot of relationships this year due to various reasons that I won’t lay out here. This has made this year a little lonelier even though I’m surrounded by people all of the time, people I helped to create. I miss many of my friends that live far away, the relationships are easier, but perhaps they are easy because they are far away. So, in turn, I’ve tried to surround myself with books, reading more this year than in years past. I laugh in my head that I’m reverting back to my 12-year-old self and my friends Helena and Chad need to come stand outside my door and beg me to come play outside instead of hiding, reading continuously.  “I like you perfectly fine.” (Inside joke if either of them read this.)

I wasn’t sure about sharing anything today, but feel a little better typing it all out. I figure I need to set some kind of future plan down on paper, but then of course instead of just writing it down, I keep thinking that I need some fancy journal to write my goals in…which led me on a rabbit trail last night on making my own leather journals. No, I didn’t purchase leather journal making kits. Although, it does sound like a fun craft. If you’ve gotten this far, thanks for reading. I will probably continue to struggle in my identity for a while. I know that is okay as most moms do this around this point in parenthood. I just know I can’t stay here.

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