I found my old self yesterday

I’ve been pretty depressed lately.  It has been slowly building for a few months and I recognized what was happening, but I didn’t know how to remedy it.  In the past year, we had a third child, I quit my job, we reduced our income, my husband has been commuting between our home and a city three hours away for work, I’ve been adjusting to being a stay at home mom, prepped our house for sale and have been trying to figure out where we will live once we move.  Only this past month have I begun to see how overwhelmed I am.

I knew I was down and I have been yelling at my children too much.  I thought I would give up yelling for Lent.  That lasted about two days before I began to see that I wasn’t handling things well.  I gave up on that goal.  Then the thing that really caused me to crash was my friend telling me that I was the toxic friend.  I was the “friend” that caused her heartache regularly, caused her to cry, was mean, passive aggressive, condescending and belittling.  Well shit!  I reflected and felt like crap.  I spoke with my husband about it, my mother, my sister-in-law and friends.  I know deep down that I must be some of those things.  I hit the lowest I’ve felt in a very long time.  I tried the no yelling again.  I started to get violent.  I felt like I was going to bubble over with rage at any moment.  I didn’t know what to do other than seek counseling.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to go to a therapist with my husband out of town four days a week. I broke down with my husband on the phone this past week and told him flat out I was depressed and so angry.  I needed to somehow fix myself.  He kindly suggested that I go get a book about it or do yoga.  This sounds kind of cold hearted and I snapped at him telling him that I didn’t want to go find an answer in a book or do any stupid yoga.  He hasn’t seen me like this before.  Normally I do just go find a book and solve a problem. This didn’t seem like something to find in a book.

And then, yesterday, I did something that I forgot I could do.  I ran.  I did the Color Me Rad run, a 5K race and they throw colored corn starch at you along the race.  My friends met me there and we all planned to run or walk at different speeds.  I had no idea if I would run the race or not.  I haven’t run, other than to snag a kid from danger since December 2011 when I was six weeks pregnant with Grant.  I’ve been afraid because of the bladder prolapse issues I’ve had since Grant’s birth.  I was afraid that my insides might not stay inside of me.

My friend Rebecca has no idea how much she helped me yesterday.  She has been inspiring me with her running lately.  She has completed two half marathons and is the mother of six young children.  She is inspiring not only because she ran those races, but because she has made fitness time for herself.  Something that I’ve been neglecting to do.

I kept pace with Rebecca, realizing early that I wasn’t super winded and that this pace was perfect for me.  I’m not fast but an eleven or twelve minute pace was wonderful.  We ran, we chatted, we were doused in corn starch.  I finished the race happily about a minute after Rebecca, I ran the race in around 35 minutes.

I realized yesterday as my body started to fill with lactic acid that I miss the aches and pains of working out.  I miss the endorphin rush.  I miss taking care of myself, making myself stronger.  I realized during that race that I could do another triathlon race and not worry about my insides falling out.  I also realized that the friends that do remain are really important to me.  They help build me up, keep me going and keep me strong.

The month of March was pretty rough for me but I really think that the rest of the year has to get better.  Our house will eventually sell.  We will move somewhere.  I will stay in touch with my old friends and make new ones.  I will get strong again emotionally and physically.  I’m happy and extremely sore today.